Unscathed

A personal dedication to a phenomenal woman: Beverly Rhodes

 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life……will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

Mom is still not feeling well

To which she replied: We should pray- prayer still changes things

On the other end, I stood dumbfounded

 

I had called to say we love you

We think about you constantly

In light of your recent tragedy

It has been less than a week

Your brother’s  home-going

 

Her wound was still fresh

Though her tone was one of cheer

A little crack here and there

But her words resonated faith, faith unscathed

 

I stood in awe

I cant find the words to possibly describe

All the emotions I still have inside

 

She’s a gentle giant – I thought to myself

Though she was slayed

Still she served

 

She stood a beacon of love and peace

With faith unlike I’ve ever seen

Selflessly saying: What God didn’t for her

He might do for another

 

What manner of a woman is this?

Even with a broken heart

And tears watering the soil

Her faith in the Comforter, The  Prince of Peace

Stood its ground, unscathed

Surely, she is a woman after God’s own heart

Favored even after failure

The atmosphere no longer had a sweet aroma of praise

Just one of brokenness, hurt and hate

The longer I stayed

The more I suffocate

I needed a break from from the madness

Not my faith

 

So I ran

As far as the east is from the south

I called it “a break”

I felt good saying I needed space for me

Time to recharge, refocus and regroup

 

A month turned into two

Two to three

As a dug myself deeper and deeper into a hole

A hole so deep I couldn’t see myself out

Slowly, I became a visitor

In the place – I once called home

 

It’s sad

I played right in the devils hand

I was happy once I was preoccupied

Prayer life was the first to go

Followed by the need to be all alone

Praise songs was the last to march on out

Can you say: broken beyond recognition

 

Am I still a Christian?

I had left behind:

Broken hearts, broken relationships, broken dreams

And forgiveness was the price to pay

So cheap yet so expensive

I needed to forgive them

But most importantly, I needed to forgive “Me”

 

So here I am on Instagram

And I saw an excerpt from James Fortune – Live through it

I stood in awe as the holy spirit spoke to me through a song

 

Can I say I feel like such a failure

And I guess that’s okay

All along He was still here

Though he felt so far away

He was there when my faith felt like thread in my hands

 

So the prodigal daughter heads home

Knowing God mends the broken

I’m still favored even after my failures

At his feet I will lay my short comings, my mistakes, my fears

Though my garment is spotted, He still cares

I just can’t see

The x’s and o’s

Daily I love u’s

Promises to be here throughout the years

And constant reassurance of his true love

In recent weeks have become my drug

 

I don’t know if I believe it all

I have heard it all before so many times

There’s something there though

Maybe it’s just a phase – just for right now

Still, I would love for it to be real

Instead of what it is – just a blurry dream

 

In the end I hope it works out

His presence gives me life

He is my little get away

The place I can run to and be locked away

Safe and secure from the heartaches of this life

 

I say left

He says right

I say wrong

He says right

He challenges me

To be a better me

 

But I know fully well it might not work out

The way we want it  to

But there’s always a chance that it may

But I just cant see it

Pass …..now

From where I stand today.

Skeletons in my closet and all…

My opinion

As Christians it’s almost as if we are cultured to say everything “nice”

It’s as if our past is completely blotted out

And we no longer have to face or fight our demons

Sadly, we get so “holy”

Wearing two faces under one hat

We can’t encourage a brother or sister

Doing the same thing you use to do

Instead we are quick to cast down and rebuke.

So we fight for dear life to keep the closet door close

Knowing if anything there was to ever get out

It might very well be the end of us

So I took a peek into my closet

And tried to face the horrible truths

I wasn’t always a Christians

I didn’t always practice celibacy

In fact I started having sex before 21 years old

I have lied, I have cheated

I have cried and I have been broken

At a younger age I had thoughts about suicide

Because nothing felt right

Granted I might not have done

The things you have

But somewhere along the line

I can relate to your situation

I’m sorry,  I’m not yet the Proverbs 31st woman yet

Though I strive to be day and night

I wasn’t born in the family of Christ  either

I gave him my life one Sunday Morning

At almost 25 years old

Jesus Christ accepted me

Skeletons in my  closet and all

And yes, I mess up every once in a while

I still struggle with the things of the world

I do even past judgement from time to time

Sometimes I fail too

And it’s not always easy to get up the way you want to

So I thought….

If only we could tear down closet doors

If only we could read hearts and minds

Could we accept the skeletons and lies

But  God can ….

And he welcomes us all with open arms

Skeletons in our closet and all.

I have to remind myself daily

I wasn’t called by man but by Christ

Too far gone…… Maybe

Its been one month, two weeks exactly

Since I started this emancipation journey

Over the past three years

I had given all of me, to almost everyone

Now I’m worn

Since then I have had some good days and some bad ones

I finally have some time for “me” on my hands

Still so surreal – living my life for me

Not by everyones guidelines and approval

Life by my rules

Long walks on the boardwalk

See a movie, read a book even blog

This moment should be a happy one

But It’s not

I trod an unfamiliar ground

I’m like a stranger in a strange land.

And I’m hating my new normal

I haven’t read a scripture in days

I can’t even pray

I feel so lost, so empty

All I had yearned for is right here

But its just not fulfilling to me

Like the prodigal son

I guess its time to go on home

But how?

So tonight  I cry “Man down”

I need to find my way

My way – back home

And I need your help

Because it feels like I’m too far gone

Your prayer was already answered…

Whispered prayers

Heartfelt pleas

Echos to heaven

Often for new beginnings and needed change.

Before your eyes

Everything seems to be falling apart

You lose your job and some of the things and people you hold close to your heart

Maybe, just maybe

That was Gods way of re-positioning you

But we fight to keep everything the same

We play a little tug-a-war with God

In reality we pray for change

And for God to have his way

While expecting our situations to be a bit better – than what we are use to

Then we go back to the same routine

The cookie crumbles again

And we pray this time with more pain and frustration

When your prayer was answered from the start

Sometimes God allows our situation to fall apart

Just to give us the true desires of our heart

But we spend the time grasping to what we don’t want

Happiness don’t come easy for everyone

Change is sometimes inevitable for good to come

Think about it …

Maybe your prayer was already answered

And you are standing – In your own way.

Lets make “US” right!

I don’t know what was so different this time
All my thoughts and emotions played a sad symphony from my eyes
The words  “I love you” popped on screen
Every other night, it would have made me happy
Tonight it  made me cry…

I see your words of faith and hope
But tonight they  bought fear of promises you can’t keep

What do I reply and say?

I don’t want to read it

Tired of seeing it now

I want to feel it, in all you do.
Like I use to, not so long ago…

#I love you

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