Ignorance : Both Bliss and Despair

 

I walked into the Office one morning

Repeating a homophobic rhetoric that I had heard the evening prior

I thought it was very funny

I didn’t consider myself homophobic

Homophobia was never taught in my home

The church and wider society

Taught me it was wrong and that became rooted in me

 

My co-worker and I had a good relationship

We talked about everything, it was always a good time at work

That morning was different

Everything exploded in a matter of minutes

I could not understand why she was so offended by my silly rhetoric

 

Shags was into same-sex relationships

I had no idea

We had a strained relationship for a while

I was not sure how to react

I was conflicted

I apologized but I was still deeply confused

 

She was my friend above all else

I somehow swept “her lifestyle” under the rug

That had absolutely nothing to do with me

I love her and I was going to be there

 

One day, something happened

Her car or property was damaged

I was scared for her

And that day my life changed

That day induced a new perspective

I learnt the true meaning of love and compassion

 

I gained compassion for mankind

I know how to love the sinner and not the sin

I did not care if she was gay or straight

Blonde or black

She was an amazing human being

Her preferences was not a chip of curse on her back

I did not want anyone hurting her, for any reason.

 

A few days

I watched some of my white friends on Facebook

Downplay the hurt and pain caused by racism

I was enraged

As a black woman, I was perturbed

How could they not understand

 

I took a few days to reflect

My situation with Shags was exactly the same

I cared about the pieces of her that I was OK with

And somehow dismissed everything else

It was not until it became more personal  and life-threatening

That I truly started to care

 

Now I wonder,

Could this be the reason why a lot of people cannot  identity with Black Lives Matter

They hear it, they see it but they move right along

Is it because they cant truly relate?

 

My relationship with Shags taught me a lesson

A lesson society and psychology did not  teach

Love and acceptance is not achieved over night

And understanding a situation is not as clear cut as we often thinks

 

Sometimes it can be achieved with a heart to heart

Other times, the experience has to be similar or pain

Shags remain a great friend/family to us

I would not want it any other way.

 

But

What about the individuals that will never that “Aha” moment

How do we bridge the gap?

How and where do we find common ground?

We often minimize the pain of others

Thinking it is not that big of deal

Sometimes, like now… It is and then some

 

Ignorance can no longer continue to be the excuse

Sadly, ones blissful ignorance

Is another  ones despair

Note to self ………. Rest, Regroup and Re-evaluate

 

Sunshine, my love

Whirlwinds tend to get everything and everyone

caught up in one big storm.

Yes, everything and everyone

Soon it dies down

The after effect however can often be seen for miles

Though  some will be unscathed

Others will be left picking up the pieces

This time around: You are apart of the other,

So the question is what will you do now?

Sometimes the easiest yet hardest decision is to run as far and fast as you can

That coupled by the chatter around you cheering you on

However, every night fall, every “love-less” night brings a different twist;

Should I stay or should I go?

The sad reality about whirlwinds, when they come it’s often without much warning. 

The hit fast and swift.

The ruin happy moments and create more turmoil in the midst of sad ones.

Whether good or bad, we can only rest, regroup and rebuild.

Every individual will have to rebuild in the way they see fit

It is never a “one hat fits all” situation

 

Over the past five years, I have realized my relationship and friendships

Have all experienced their whirlwind moments.

With each storm, I have had to rest and regroup.

Some storms, I had to rebuild the old structures with new safety measures

Others, I had to build completely new structures, in new environments

 

The most important lesson  I have learnt is that despite the pain

Not everything is replaceable

Not every bad situation is a sign to run away

If it once bought you love, happiness and peace

Sometimes, you need to think twice

So cry if you must

Then Rest, Regroup, Re-evaluate

And Rebuild as you see fit.

 

 

 

Goodbye again

If you had a dollar for every time you told yourself – “This time will be the last time”

A penny for how many times you stopped loving him in your head

Undoubtedly, you would be one of the wealthiest woman alive.

Somewhere in this routine
Something changed
A new script
An for the first time
Cast members with meaningful roles

Deep inside you know everything
From this point on…
Will forever be changed
It will never be life as we knew it
Nothing will ever be the same

So you fight the tears
And with a text politely say
Congrats I’m happy for you

Gasping for air
Knowing fully well
This time it’s different
Your entire being knows it

Today you bow
With hands above your head
You slowly surrender
You have no fight left

How you wish it didn’t end this way
In the same breath wishing this is the last time
Not goodbye again but instead goodbye forever

Behind the Mask

Behind the mask is a beautiful soul

At least she was

It wasn’t even that long ago

The love from her heart paved roadways

Her smile complimented the sun

She was full of life

She was ready to love

 

But without prior notice – life stepped in

And like a common case of mistaken identity

He trampled her beneath his feet

He pounded her mercilessly

Leaving her battered and bruised

Broken and confused

 

But she refused to run

To hide it all

She got a mask

Before you knew it

She became a professional

Hiding it all inside

Protecting what was left

Salvaging her pride

 

Soon, she will realize

Another mask is made everyday

Yesterday was hers, tomorrows – mine

Just another size, another shade

 

Until then we will wait

Praying we will meet her again

Brokenness, smiles and tears and all

Though you try so hard

We see all of you…

We all wear our mask

Different cost – different tags

When will life begin again

Or will she be forever trapped behind the Mask of lies

Do Not Resuscitate – Signed him

Its been years

I’ve felt the pain

I’ve endured the wrenching aches

But today

The valves gave way

This time – too intense to treat at home

I wheeled myself to the emergency room

I cried

I screamed

I yelled

Someone please do something!

My heart is in need of urgent care!

Quick! its ripping from my chest

Is there nothing for this pain?

I watched as my heart was quickly wheeled away?

I couldn’t sit still….

But I remained hopeful it wasn’t too late

The doctor pushed the door

I read his lips in dismay: I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do

Your heart didn’t survive the trauma

The gashes were too deep

The blows too severe

And Miss, there’s a DNR………………….Signed him

Skeletons in my closet and all…

My opinion

As Christians it’s almost as if we are cultured to say everything “nice”

It’s as if our past is completely blotted out

And we no longer have to face or fight our demons

Sadly, we get so “holy”

Wearing two faces under one hat

We can’t encourage a brother or sister

Doing the same thing you use to do

Instead we are quick to cast down and rebuke.

So we fight for dear life to keep the closet door close

Knowing if anything there was to ever get out

It might very well be the end of us

So I took a peek into my closet

And tried to face the horrible truths

I wasn’t always a Christians

I didn’t always practice celibacy

In fact I started having sex before 21 years old

I have lied, I have cheated

I have cried and I have been broken

At a younger age I had thoughts about suicide

Because nothing felt right

Granted I might not have done

The things you have

But somewhere along the line

I can relate to your situation

I’m sorry,  I’m not yet the Proverbs 31st woman yet

Though I strive to be day and night

I wasn’t born in the family of Christ  either

I gave him my life one Sunday Morning

At almost 25 years old

Jesus Christ accepted me

Skeletons in my  closet and all

And yes, I mess up every once in a while

I still struggle with the things of the world

I do even past judgement from time to time

Sometimes I fail too

And it’s not always easy to get up the way you want to

So I thought….

If only we could tear down closet doors

If only we could read hearts and minds

Could we accept the skeletons and lies

But  God can ….

And he welcomes us all with open arms

Skeletons in our closet and all.

I have to remind myself daily

I wasn’t called by man but by Christ

How I wish I could see you again…

Another birthday Sis…

How I wish I could see you

Hug you and let you know how much we love you

I thought about you today

Last week and the week before too

The memories never seem to fade

I shed a tear every once in a while

On the bus, on the train

I try so hard to forget the day you went on home

I try to forget your birthdays too

How many times have we heard it

Domestic violence is no joke

Could we have done anything differently

Maybe you could have taken heed

We struggle to accept it

Hate to hear RIP or gone too soon since this catastrophe

What kind of love takes away

A mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend – your wife prematurely?

I still think about you like you never left

So many things around – reminds me of you

You left so many broken hearts behind

Now all we have are memories

Memorials with your stories been told

Its been four long years

I didn’t know you would have gone so soon

Didn’t know I wouldn’t – See You Again

We never say Goodbye

One day we will see each other on the other side

Until then – I will put on my poker face

While I weep inside

How I wish I could see you again…..

Love Scars

Everyone around could tell it was over

In my mind I knew it too

But my heart said otherwise

Despite the bad times, we had many good ones

My vows said till death do us part

Though you never really made me your wife

What do I tell my family?

What do I tell my friends?

What do I tell our unborn child?

Where do I find the dignity and strength

When everything I built, time invested and love is lost

But day by day

I will embrace  my battle scars

I will slowly  pick up the pieces of my broken heart

Maybe not at the same pace  you do

Maybe not the way you want me to

Don’t criticize me, please don’t judge

Love and support is all I need right now

I will make it – bounce back stronger than I ever was

I will love again – like I really never loved

Sometimes I feel so alone, though so many people are around

I will move on despite my fears, uncertainty, brokenness and doubts

But I will embrace my battle scars

The one’s on my self esteem, confidence and my heart

My love scars will heal as I move on

How I wish there was a cure for a broken heart….