Ignorance : Both Bliss and Despair

 

I walked into the Office one morning

Repeating a homophobic rhetoric that I had heard the evening prior

I thought it was very funny

I didn’t consider myself homophobic

Homophobia was never taught in my home

The church and wider society

Taught me it was wrong and that became rooted in me

 

My co-worker and I had a good relationship

We talked about everything, it was always a good time at work

That morning was different

Everything exploded in a matter of minutes

I could not understand why she was so offended by my silly rhetoric

 

Shags was into same-sex relationships

I had no idea

We had a strained relationship for a while

I was not sure how to react

I was conflicted

I apologized but I was still deeply confused

 

She was my friend above all else

I somehow swept “her lifestyle” under the rug

That had absolutely nothing to do with me

I love her and I was going to be there

 

One day, something happened

Her car or property was damaged

I was scared for her

And that day my life changed

That day induced a new perspective

I learnt the true meaning of love and compassion

 

I gained compassion for mankind

I know how to love the sinner and not the sin

I did not care if she was gay or straight

Blonde or black

She was an amazing human being

Her preferences was not a chip of curse on her back

I did not want anyone hurting her, for any reason.

 

A few days

I watched some of my white friends on Facebook

Downplay the hurt and pain caused by racism

I was enraged

As a black woman, I was perturbed

How could they not understand

 

I took a few days to reflect

My situation with Shags was exactly the same

I cared about the pieces of her that I was OK with

And somehow dismissed everything else

It was not until it became more personal  and life-threatening

That I truly started to care

 

Now I wonder,

Could this be the reason why a lot of people cannot  identity with Black Lives Matter

They hear it, they see it but they move right along

Is it because they cant truly relate?

 

My relationship with Shags taught me a lesson

A lesson society and psychology did not  teach

Love and acceptance is not achieved over night

And understanding a situation is not as clear cut as we often thinks

 

Sometimes it can be achieved with a heart to heart

Other times, the experience has to be similar or pain

Shags remain a great friend/family to us

I would not want it any other way.

 

But

What about the individuals that will never that “Aha” moment

How do we bridge the gap?

How and where do we find common ground?

We often minimize the pain of others

Thinking it is not that big of deal

Sometimes, like now… It is and then some

 

Ignorance can no longer continue to be the excuse

Sadly, ones blissful ignorance

Is another  ones despair

Note to self ………. Rest, Regroup and Re-evaluate

 

Sunshine, my love

Whirlwinds tend to get everything and everyone

caught up in one big storm.

Yes, everything and everyone

Soon it dies down

The after effect however can often be seen for miles

Though  some will be unscathed

Others will be left picking up the pieces

This time around: You are apart of the other,

So the question is what will you do now?

Sometimes the easiest yet hardest decision is to run as far and fast as you can

That coupled by the chatter around you cheering you on

However, every night fall, every “love-less” night brings a different twist;

Should I stay or should I go?

The sad reality about whirlwinds, when they come it’s often without much warning. 

The hit fast and swift.

The ruin happy moments and create more turmoil in the midst of sad ones.

Whether good or bad, we can only rest, regroup and rebuild.

Every individual will have to rebuild in the way they see fit

It is never a “one hat fits all” situation

 

Over the past five years, I have realized my relationship and friendships

Have all experienced their whirlwind moments.

With each storm, I have had to rest and regroup.

Some storms, I had to rebuild the old structures with new safety measures

Others, I had to build completely new structures, in new environments

 

The most important lesson  I have learnt is that despite the pain

Not everything is replaceable

Not every bad situation is a sign to run away

If it once bought you love, happiness and peace

Sometimes, you need to think twice

So cry if you must

Then Rest, Regroup, Re-evaluate

And Rebuild as you see fit.

 

 

 

Protected: I knew he was Mr Wrong, even when the church said Mr. Right

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Goodbye again

If you had a dollar for every time you told yourself – “This time will be the last time”

A penny for how many times you stopped loving him in your head

Undoubtedly, you would be one of the wealthiest woman alive.

Somewhere in this routine
Something changed
A new script
An for the first time
Cast members with meaningful roles

Deep inside you know everything
From this point on…
Will forever be changed
It will never be life as we knew it
Nothing will ever be the same

So you fight the tears
And with a text politely say
Congrats I’m happy for you

Gasping for air
Knowing fully well
This time it’s different
Your entire being knows it

Today you bow
With hands above your head
You slowly surrender
You have no fight left

How you wish it didn’t end this way
In the same breath wishing this is the last time
Not goodbye again but instead goodbye forever

Behind the Mask

Behind the mask is a beautiful soul

At least she was

It wasn’t even that long ago

The love from her heart paved roadways

Her smile complimented the sun

She was full of life

She was ready to love

 

But without prior notice – life stepped in

And like a common case of mistaken identity

He trampled her beneath his feet

He pounded her mercilessly

Leaving her battered and bruised

Broken and confused

 

But she refused to run

To hide it all

She got a mask

Before you knew it

She became a professional

Hiding it all inside

Protecting what was left

Salvaging her pride

 

Soon, she will realize

Another mask is made everyday

Yesterday was hers, tomorrows – mine

Just another size, another shade

 

Until then we will wait

Praying we will meet her again

Brokenness, smiles and tears and all

Though you try so hard

We see all of you…

We all wear our mask

Different cost – different tags

When will life begin again

Or will she be forever trapped behind the Mask of lies

Do Not Resuscitate – Signed him

Its been years

I’ve felt the pain

I’ve endured the wrenching aches

But today

The valves gave way

This time – too intense to treat at home

I wheeled myself to the emergency room

I cried

I screamed

I yelled

Someone please do something!

My heart is in need of urgent care!

Quick! its ripping from my chest

Is there nothing for this pain?

I watched as my heart was quickly wheeled away?

I couldn’t sit still….

But I remained hopeful it wasn’t too late

The doctor pushed the door

I read his lips in dismay: I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do

Your heart didn’t survive the trauma

The gashes were too deep

The blows too severe

And Miss, there’s a DNR………………….Signed him

Free-fall

Going with the wind

Thankful for all my blessings

Another year gone

Hard lessons learnt

Beautiful memories locked within

 

Free fall

Loving unconditionally

Forgiving quickly

To be patient and humble most of all

 

Don’t call it a resolution

Just a change in lifestyle

This year its not just about me

Its about family – true friends included

Guided by a Sovereign King

 

Maybe I will finally be  a wife

No more a runaway bride

I started the year in church

I intend to finish it with Christ

 

But comes what may

I will be ok

As long as I have God, my Mom, the Bro and my bestie

By my side

Happy 2014 y’all

Unscathed

A personal dedication to a phenomenal woman: Beverly Rhodes

 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life……will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

Mom is still not feeling well

To which she replied: We should pray- prayer still changes things

On the other end, I stood dumbfounded

 

I had called to say we love you

We think about you constantly

In light of your recent tragedy

It has been less than a week

Your brother’s  home-going

 

Her wound was still fresh

Though her tone was one of cheer

A little crack here and there

But her words resonated faith, faith unscathed

 

I stood in awe

I cant find the words to possibly describe

All the emotions I still have inside

 

She’s a gentle giant – I thought to myself

Though she was slayed

Still she served

 

She stood a beacon of love and peace

With faith unlike I’ve ever seen

Selflessly saying: What God didn’t for her

He might do for another

 

What manner of a woman is this?

Even with a broken heart

And tears watering the soil

Her faith in the Comforter, The  Prince of Peace

Stood its ground, unscathed

Surely, she is a woman after God’s own heart

Favored even after failure

The atmosphere no longer had a sweet aroma of praise

Just one of brokenness, hurt and hate

The longer I stayed

The more I suffocate

I needed a break from from the madness

Not my faith

 

So I ran

As far as the east is from the south

I called it “a break”

I felt good saying I needed space for me

Time to recharge, refocus and regroup

 

A month turned into two

Two to three

As a dug myself deeper and deeper into a hole

A hole so deep I couldn’t see myself out

Slowly, I became a visitor

In the place – I once called home

 

It’s sad

I played right in the devils hand

I was happy once I was preoccupied

Prayer life was the first to go

Followed by the need to be all alone

Praise songs was the last to march on out

Can you say: broken beyond recognition

 

Am I still a Christian?

I had left behind:

Broken hearts, broken relationships, broken dreams

And forgiveness was the price to pay

So cheap yet so expensive

I needed to forgive them

But most importantly, I needed to forgive “Me”

 

So here I am on Instagram

And I saw an excerpt from James Fortune – Live through it

I stood in awe as the holy spirit spoke to me through a song

 

Can I say I feel like such a failure

And I guess that’s okay

All along He was still here

Though he felt so far away

He was there when my faith felt like thread in my hands

 

So the prodigal daughter heads home

Knowing God mends the broken

I’m still favored even after my failures

At his feet I will lay my short comings, my mistakes, my fears

Though my garment is spotted, He still cares

Call me Cinderella

We could have circled the globe a thousand times

With all we went through

Life began the day he took my hand

I was happy

I was free

I was loved

I was appreciated

Finally

 

Like a candle in the dark

We shone bright

Hand in hand 

Long walks

Small talks

Connected forever through loving memories and caring thoughts

 

We weathered some crazy storms

And even when we were miles apart

We somewhat survived the distance

Still our candle shone

 

Even when we didn’t see eye to eye

We disagreed on everything from marriage to religion

From my emotional and mental state to the differences between night and day

Everything was based on his perception

Still we  always found our way back every time

 

But not this time

Our candle burned out

All that remains are fragments

Of a once beautiful love

Scattered across oceans and plains

With each gush of the wind

And each drop of rain

Soon everything will disappear

 

He always said I lived in a fairy tale

All I wanted was for him to be mine, all mine

This time however  he is right

Call me Cinderella

But his glass slipper wasn’t mine